Why I Run...

Everyday I warm up in the gym with a 1.5 mile run. I guess that's how you can categorize it, a warm up. But I run for so much more than that. I run as an escape, something that I used food for. I have come to find that running it such a better substitute though, not only for health reasons.
Running sucks, but I love it. The feeling I get sitting on the ground as I pull on my Nikes that have been with me through my whole journey. The snug feeling I get as I pull those pink laces tighter, it's a feeling of determination, like that of throwing a saddle on a horse. You're going to get a job done. I walk into the gym with a confidence about me not for the intention of impressing others, but to remind myself that I'm there for a reason. I step onto the black belt of the treadmill and plug my headphones in, scrolling through my iPod I select my run playlist. I stretch out and zone in.
As my feet begin to pad against the belt, I enter a whole new world, almost like tunnel vision. It's just me running. I'm running from it all. I run from my childhood, I run from the fat sick girl I used to be and I run from my responsibilities and worries. My breath gets heavier as I up the speed, feeling the satisfying burn in my legs and lungs reminding me of what my body is capable of. I run from the demeaning words thrown at me through my life that constantly told me I was never going to be good enough. "Nobody is ever going to love you if you don't change the way you look," flows through one ear, a bitter reminder, and out the other falling behind me as I run, while Eminem enters in behind it reminding me to "Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful." I run from the knocks at the door trying to take from us what little we had as is, I run from the fear of wondering if your family would be homeless the next day, I run from the regret of not protecting my brother more than I felt like I should of, I run from my insecurities, I run from the sound of a Coors Light opening and the emotional turmoil that can brought along with it. But most importantly are the things that I run towards. I run towards a happier, healthier me. I run towards my best friend Jordan standing at that imaginary finish line surrounding me with her constant love and support, I run towards my mom and brother where no matter what we have been through we have continued to hang onto our love and closeness, I run towards the new development of a relationship with my dad, I run towards my dreams of changing the world and breaking the cycle of poverty. I run towards the support and love of all my friends and family that have continued to reach out to me. I run for the relief after I'm done, like that of having a long personal conversation with a close friend. I run for me, it's my therapy, it's my escape. I hate it and I love it.
Sometimes I find myself running from things that I shouldn't, such as relationships. I don't like feelings and with as much as I've gone through in my life, it should be understandable why I have a guard up. I find myself getting close with someone, it's like running the bases in a game. I'm in the batter's box and with the crack of a bat I get a hit, things go smoothly I make it to first base with ease, talking everyday and starting to find things about that person that attracts you even more. Then I steal to second my heart pounding, you get that first date or first kiss something that makes you realize I might have something here. But then I find myself stuck leading off second base, do I want to risk the steal to third? But I never do, I get stuck in the hot box, diving back to second base and getting out.
So running has it's pros and cons. It's all about how you approach it. I'm a runner literally and figuratively, but I'm getting there day by day.

Welcome Fall!

Wow so talk about crazy busy since September has rolled in. After my run I drove back to Pendleton and went to the Round Up kick off concert of Chris Young and OH. MY. GOSH. He was phenomenal!! Easily one of the best concerts I've ever been to. Then on Wednesday through Saturday I got to enjoy the rodeo. I swear it's almost bad for me to go to rodeos because I get horse fever BAD. I have always been envious that my mom got to grow up with horses and I've always felt like its just something in my blood, especially barrel racing...ah sigh oh well. But the rodeo was FABULOUS! Friday was the best because Jordan got to sing the national anthem! Ok let me repeat...JORDAN MY BEST FRIEND/SISTER FROM ANOTHER MISTER GOT TO SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM INFRONT OF THOUSANDS OF RODEO FANS AND SHE DID FREAKING AMAZING!!!! :) I'm so proud of her and just love to brag about it :)

 

On Saturday I got to spend the rodeo with my kiddos. I just love them so much. I honestly never knew you could love someone so much, they are my own to me.

 

And I just have to tell you about how much of a sweetheart my Jacer is. The day they got into town I went over to see Glenda and this sweet little boy. Before they left he said to Glenda, "Grandma, I have a date." "A date? With who?" she asked him. "I have a date with Karlee." So presh! So when I saw him I said, "Jace, are you and I going on a date?" and he told that we were going on a date to the rodeo on Saturday and of course I said Yes! ;)

 

So when I saw him on Saturday he said, "Don't worry I got money for our date!" Gah how he melts my heart! I love him so much!

 

Words just can't even express how much I love these kids! Emily looks more and more like Tricia everyday and it just saddens me that they don't get to grow up together with their beautiful Momma.

 

Overall Round Up was a success, but next Round Up is the big 21! Look out Pendleton here I come!! :)

Happy, healthy living!

I'm back readers and I just ran a 5k! SAY WHATTT?? Yeah! Saturday marked my 40lb weight loss so far and in celebration I ran my first 5k! It was absolutely amazing and a great way to celebrate! Now I will be the first to say that I am not a fan of running, I do it, but not a fan. But after Saturday, I think I was converted to the runners side. I couldn't believe that I RAN 3 MILES! Even better I got to do it with my dad and it was a great thing for us to do together!

 

It's amazing for me to reflect on this and think that I've lost 40lbs. I've gotten a lot of questions of how I did it and such, but before I answer that question for you guys the one question that has stuck in my head since it's been asked was "Don't you wish you would've done it sooner?". Without even thinking I looked at my grandma after she asked me that and said "I know that I wouldn't have been able to."

 

 

In order for me to figure out why I was living to eat, I needed to figure out what was eating me. I traced back through the years to figure out what sent me to food. I was a stress eater, an emotional eater, a boredom eater. Any kind of eater you could think of I was it. Going through pictures of my childhood I pinpointed around the third grade my weight beginning to climb. Although I am not going to get into all the details of my childhood because that is the past, I will say that it was a difficult childhood and around that age is when I really sought out food as a comfort and void filler. It was something that made me feel good no matter what. It just became a snowball effect after that. As I look back on those pictures before I see a girl who was trying to save everyone, but herself and that turned to food as her only comfort. I will be the first to vouch that weight problems often stem from emotional issues. It's more than a physical struggle.

 

So what did I do about it? When I moved down to Albany for school I didn't have anyone to care for or worry about but myself. While living at home I constantly ate out, whether it was with my family or socially, it was a constant for me. The first thing that I did was cut out all fast food. I cooked everything for myself. In order to save money, I made enough to live off of left overs for a few days before I had to cook another dinner for myself, so I was forced to eat only enough for one. I could live off of $125 or less of groceries for a month. So for those that say eating healthy is expensive, it's not if you shop in the right places. One shopping trip would take me a whole afternoon and two to three stores, sometimes even driving to Corvallis to just buy stuff from Winco. Also it's not as expensive as my future healthcare costs would've been if I had kept up my bad habits.

Another thing I started doing was eating breakfast. I cannot stress this enough, please make time for breakfast!! You will thank me, I promise. I used to never eat breakfast and now I make sure that I make time for it. My favorite breakfast and I could easily live off of it is oatmeal with a little brown sugar, cinnamon, and blueberries. Blueberries are apart of my daily breakfast and for those of you with skin problems, I swear by blueberries. I've never had bad skin, but I used to breakout around my mouth and on my chin. After cutting out all fast food and taking up blueberries everyday, I haven't had a breakout.

I kept my eating on a schedule as well, which is a lot easier to do during school time or if you have a job. Breakfast was my first priority when I got up in the morning, so I generally eat around 9 or so depending on my schedule, I would eat lunch around noon or one and typically it would be a sandwich and fresh fruit and sometimes soup. I would have a pre-workout snack around 3 or 3:30 which always varied, but some of my favorites would be apple and natural peanut butter or slice of whole wheat toast with peanut butter and a sliced up banana. I would eat dinner around 7 and often I would make chicken or fish with veggies. I would still make spaghetti or roast with potatoes. The thing about what I ate was that I didn't deprive myself of my favorite meals, I just wouldn't make them every night and I would watch my portions. I cannot stress not depriving yourself. I generally would give myself one cheat day because I found that if I didn't I would binge on large amounts of unhealthy food and then feel extremely awful.

 

Now obviously I just didn't eat better and I could magically drop 40lbs and run a 5k. When I first decided to start exercising I started walking around the track and wellness trail at my school. I began to add running into the mix and the more I did it the farther I could run before having to stop. As the weather began to get bad I knew I was going to have to do something else so I joined a gym. I would spend at least 45 minutes to an hour there. I stuck to my familiar treadmill or elliptical for awhile, but as I got more comfortable I branched out more. I would do cardio six days a week with strength training mixed in on three of those days. I finally decided to start taking a class there. For those of you that are hard to find that self motivation I highly recommend a class! I started with Zumba and I loved it so much that I didn't think of it as exercise and I was kind of forced to keep going to the end. Now my two favorites are kick boxing and Zumba! I'm now to a point where I will spend close to an hour and a half to two hours at the gym.

Before

After

Before

After

Now as I look back on those old pictures of myself I see a very sad, sick girl. I was frequently bullied and even by one of my family members. One of my biggest challenges of this journey is learning to love myself. I still have a very damaged self esteem, but it's getting better. I will openly admit that there were days that I would just stand in the mirror and cry because I was still haunted by comments, "No one is ever going to love you unless you change the way you look", "You are just making yourself fatter". I even had a child that I was babysitting for once tell me that their mom told them to make sure they were nice to me and didn't say anything to me because I was a chubby girl. That stuff I won't ever forget, but as apart of this journey I've had to realize that something was wrong with those people, not me. It makes me sad that I couldn't have helped myself sooner. But I'm proud to say I have come as far as I have and although I am not done, I still am continuing on this journey with my head held high and with an appreciation of what my body can do and what I can do for my body.

If you get anything out of this post or any tips to living healthier I hope it's this:

1.) Do it for yourself and for your own health.

2.) Drink LOTS of water, no pop!

3.) Any exercise is better than nothing.

4.) Don't deprive yourself.

5.) LOVE yourself!

6.) Eat to nourish your body.

7.) Take your stress out in the gym.

8.) Exercise to be fit, not skinny.

9.) Progress is progress no matter how small.

10.) Don't skip breakfast!

The fact the you're willing to change yourself for the better is the greatest thing you can do. Healthy is finally feeling good about yourself while adding years to yourself in the meantime.

Lastly, I want to say a HUGE thank you to my family and friends for your love and support during this time! I love you all and appreciate it so much!

If anyone has any other questions or would just like to talk, please feel free to contact me! :)

This Crazy Beautiful Life

It's been far too long since I've updated my blog. Between all the chaos this summer started out with, I'm just now getting the chance to sit down and write.

 

This fall I will be attending Eastern Oregon University. Words cannot express how extremely happy I am about it. As difficult as it was to leave my second family down there in Albany(tears were definitely shed), I am so relieved to be out of the valley and back into Eastern Oregon. I haven't felt this happy with my life in a long time. I'm living a healthier lifestyle, discovering my faith again and have a peace inside me knowing I'm exactly where I belong. 

I was driving home from work a couple nights ago and in my rear view mirror I watched the sky paint itself beautiful, rich colors of pinks, purples, and oranges. I admired the miles of golden wheat fields waiting to be cut and as I came down Rieth Ridge into Pendleton I watched the horses grazing on the hillside. With country music playing through my speakers, I arrived home on a natural high, appreciating this beautiful scenery all around me. 

At church yesterday, I was embraced by so many people and watched others embrace each other in our congregation and I felt the joy and happiness of being reunited with another second family of mine. 

As I sit back and reflect on life right now, even though I don't have much money and I'm working 12+ hour days to make a living, I wouldn't change a thing. My drive home reminds me how beautiful this area and simple life is and I wouldn't want to be anywhere, but here. It also continues to remind me how blessed I am. Life is such a beautiful thing and I am so excited  for the future ahead of me. :)

The Connection Between a Daughter and Her Father

Friday morning I was frantically packing a huge load of frames and clothing from my apartment to take back to Pendleton with me that afternoon when my phone rang. First it was my dad, but he hung up too fast for me to answer. Then he called again, but it wasn't his voice I heard on the other line, it was his ex girlfriend's. She began to tell me that my dad was in the OHSU Neurology Science Intensive Care Unit. She explained to me how he called her that night complaining of severe head pain, worse than a migraine, that dropped him to his knees. After being taken to the ER at a different hospital, a CT scan revealed blood on his brain and the base of his neck. Her explanation was scattered, but as I paced my apartment I kept my composure while listening. I told her I was on my way immediately. The last four days have been stressful and eye opening. My dad has/had a bleed in his brain(we won't know if it's gone until his second angiogram tomorrow). We were initially told that they believed it was an aneurism bleeding out, but after an angiogram and a MRI coming back negative, they have yet to find a source. The doctor tells us that is a good sign, but at the same time we would all be a little more at ease to know why my dad's brain is malfunctioning I guess you could say.
Now as I lay here up in his bed and I reminiscence of the past 20+ years of memories between my dad and I. It's been a close, yet bumpy relationship all at the same time perhaps you could say. Since the day I came into this world I've had him wrapped around his finger, I've always been his "best girl" as he would put it. When I was little and my parents were still married, I would get up at the crack of dawn with my dad before he left for work and I can remember sitting on the kitchen counter looking out the window watching the sunrise with him while sharing a protein shake that he religiously made every morning. I also remember going up to the RAC with him and after his workout we would go to the pool and he would pull me around in my little dog floaty in the pool. When I was about five I had a hernia surgery and he drove all the way from Eugene and would pull me around the hospital hallways in a little red wagon. I was devastated when they wouldn't let him carry me into the operating room, all I wanted was my daddy.
Coming from a divorced family isn't just black and white, scheduled visits, everyone sees everyone, everyone is happy. It just doesn't work that way. But over the years, you adjust and even though I still envied all the other little girls who got to go to the father daughter dances with their dad or got to have him at every event whether it be school awards or sports events, one thing I never doubted was that my dad loved me more than anything and would bend over backwards for me.

So now here I was 20 years old crying it all out on my drive up to the hospital to make sure I had it all out and composed before I saw him. After watching him writhe in pain and sit in the waiting room as the doctors play operation in his brain, I felt that little girl again who needed her daddy. I've always loved my dad, but as I have gotten older I have found myself running for that independence as he clung onto the little girl I once was. We have a long recovery road ahead of us, but I am happy to be here taking care of him and spending the time with him. Don't ever take the time we have on Earth for granted, whether it be your own or someone else's.

Thank you to all who have prayed and kept us in your positive thoughts, my family greatly appreciates it and God is definitely watching over my dad.

I love you Dad.
Always,
Your Best Girl

Just a night for writing...

It's about ten to 2am and I'm starting to think that the Dutch Bros coffee I got at nine wasn't the best idea, but heck if I have the energy why not sit down and pick up the pen?
So last weekend I went home for Mother's Day and spent a wonderful weekend with my mom! I am so thankful for her! She is the most beautiful, kind hearted soul and I only hope to turn out to be half the woman she is. She has always believed in me, made me strong, open minded, and given me the faith to run with my dreams. She has always been and will always be the best mom, my best friend, and my number one fan! For that, I am forever grateful. There's something to be said about single moms. Twice the work, twice the frustrations, but in return twice the love, twice as rewarding and the one to receive twice as much from your children. So here's a wonderful Mother's Day to my loving, kind, compassionate mother and best friend who has managed to do it on her own and who deserves more than just a day of recognition.

On Wednesday night I went over to the OSU campus for a reading and lecture by Jennifer Finney Boylan on her books She's Not There and Stuck in the Middle. I walked in to the conference room where the reading is taking place and as soon as I walked in my apprehension went through the roof. There I was standing in a room full of the LGBTQ community. Now I want to say that that was not what made me uncomfortable, it was the fact that I felt like maybe I should’ve dressed differently, as I was standing there in my camouflage hat, camouflage sweatshirt and boots, terrified that they were going to think that I was some super conservative hick that was there to judge them, which was not the case whatsoever. I took my seat and finally began to relax. Now how I didn’t notice this when I looked at the flyer is beyond me, but as Jennifer Finney Boylan took the stage first thing that came into my head was, “Wait a second she’s a man or at least used to be…” The first passage she read us was from She’s Not There, a passage about her as a twenty-four year old young man battling the woman inside him. He had taken a long road trip and came to a point where he had stopped on the edge of a cliff that looked out over the Atlantic. He played chicken with the cliff and the wind. He would lean; the wind would push him back. He would lean a little farther; the wind would push back again. Finally the wind pushed him so far back that it knocked him on the ground, putting an ultimate stop to his suicide attempt. She continued to explain that while he was laying there that he heard someone say, “Are you alright? You’re going to be alright.” To this day she claims that she has no idea whose voice it was, but he got back in that car and travelled the long journey back home. Another passage she read us was from her book Stuck in the Middle, which is about her journey in fatherhood and motherhood. She talked about how as a father she was considered a feminine father and as a mother she was considered a masculine mother. Her sons refer to her as Maddy because it’s a cross between mommy and daddy and at the time her son was six he thought it would be weird calling her daddy when he was becoming a woman. Her readings were fabulous, but what I got most out of this experience was her explaining things. For instance how transgender is a very general term and all the different types of transgenders there are. She talked about during her transformation the new experiences she knew of as a man, but was now experiencing them first hand as a woman. She talked about being hit on at bars and instead of telling men to “go to hell” with their corny pick up lines, she responded with “Oh well thank you!” She said that she believes when you are born a woman you are set up with these skill sets to handle these types of situations, where she was not. I originally came to this event for my families class, but found myself relating it to my English class. One thing she said that really made me relate to our class was, “I could say I know about racism in the United States, but reality of it is…It’s different when it’s you.” Here we are in class learning about all these movements and racism with these artists painting these pictures in our minds, but in reality we have no idea what these artists are really truly feeling because it’s different when it’s you. We can do our very best to put ourselves in their shoes, but we will never know what it was really like to experience what they did. Just as we will never know the discrimination that Jennifer has faced as well or the way she did not know the pressures of womanhood until it was her. Overall, I am so happy that I got to attend this event. Growing up in rural Oregon, I lived a pretty sheltered life and leaving like I did really opened my eyes to what else there is out here in the world. I think growing up in that kind of environment you develop a curiosity for the unknown, such as what I felt towards the transgender community. It also opened my eyes to what the Ford Family Foundation has been telling me all along as a scholar, to get out there and live, experience, and open your eyes to the world, to put yourself in some else’s shoes.
Today was an overall good day, I got to spend the day with Shelby and Eric for Sunday Funday! Ate some wonderful food, crafted, and enjoyed great company and great country music! I felt happy and I felt beautiful, which for me lately is so great because I've definitely been struggling with that. The best way I found to describe how I felt down here is that I am not depressed. I can still smile at pretty things and laugh when jokes are funny. I can still talk to people and enjoy nice days. But when I go inside, when I am alone, there is something broken and I fall into a sadness so sweet that it engulfs me. I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see and the tears fall when I'm falling asleep and I miss something that doesn't exist. I am not depressed. I've just been sad for a while, but I can still find the light, I can still smile. But recently, somewhere in this new life I've begun I found someone. It took tears and time down on my knees and it's not who you'd ever guess or who I dreamed it would be, but in the mirror one morning looking back at me I found someone. I'm slowly finding that burning passionate person again. She's there and ready to conquer the world.

20 years...

April 21st of 1993 at 5:39pm my beautiful mother gave life to me(after telling the nurses and doctors that she changed her mind and didn't want it anymore). 20 years ago, a whole decade, I was given the best gift ever. After two months of being away from home, I got to travel back to celebrate my 20th birthday with everyone! On my 2nd birthday I got the second best gift ever next to life, my cousin Kasidee! Yup that's right, we are freaks and share the same birthday and so do our moms on July 9th!
I was so happy to be back in my hometown, as I always am, but this time was just as fabulous.
Can I just say how wonderful my mother is? And how blessed I am to have her? She made a video of 20 years of my life which you can click on that link to see. It is so beautiful! She also got me the most stunning, sentimental gift a girl could ask for!

Aren't they stunning?! They are the Pendleton Round Up emblem with a diamond for my birthstone and on the back they are engraved with "Forever and A Day"(we always say I'll love you forever and a day!). I'm so deeply in love with them!

Also while I was home I did a lot of the things I miss out on in the city, like back roads driving with my cousin while the wheat is green and the canola blooming, mowing my grandparents yard, and getting to sit down to several breakfasts with my cousins and grandparents!

On Sunday I got to see the kids before I went out to my grandparents for a birthday brunch. They are such sweet things and I miss spending time with them so much! I got the best birthday wish from Jace too!! I can't figure out why it's sideways on here, but oh well, doesn't that just melt your heart?!

It's hard to believe that I'm 20 years old and reflecting on what the last 20 years has given me, I'm very excited to see what my next 20 years has instore for me. Hopefully a wonderful job, a wonderful husband with amazing kids and a house of our own, hopefully I will have traveled abroad and have lived out my next 20 years to the fullest, but I guess we will see what happens!
Instead of me blabbering on about my trip home and great it was and how AWFUL it was to have to come back, I'm just going to show you the rest of my pictures and even a video of my grandpa serenading me to the oldies! I had a fabulous time as always, I'm so blessed for the wonderful family and friends I have that I got to celebrate with! I love you all!



Birthday dinner with Grandma and my brother!

3 generations! Grandma, Mom, and I at dinner!

The two birthday girls! 20 and 18!