Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Everyday I warm up in the gym with a 1.5 mile run. I guess that's how you can categorize it, a warm up. But I run for so much more than that. I run as an escape, something that I used food for. I have come to find that running it such a better substitute though, not only for health reasons.
Running sucks, but I love it. The feeling I get sitting on the ground as I pull on my Nikes that have been with me through my whole journey. The snug feeling I get as I pull those pink laces tighter, it's a feeling of determination, like that of throwing a saddle on a horse. You're going to get a job done. I walk into the gym with a confidence about me not for the intention of impressing others, but to remind myself that I'm there for a reason. I step onto the black belt of the treadmill and plug my headphones in, scrolling through my iPod I select my run playlist. I stretch out and zone in.
As my feet begin to pad against the belt, I enter a whole new world, almost like tunnel vision. It's just me running. I'm running from it all. I run from my childhood, I run from the fat sick girl I used to be and I run from my responsibilities and worries. My breath gets heavier as I up the speed, feeling the satisfying burn in my legs and lungs reminding me of what my body is capable of. I run from the demeaning words thrown at me through my life that constantly told me I was never going to be good enough. "Nobody is ever going to love you if you don't change the way you look," flows through one ear, a bitter reminder, and out the other falling behind me as I run, while Eminem enters in behind it reminding me to "Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful." I run from the knocks at the door trying to take from us what little we had as is, I run from the fear of wondering if your family would be homeless the next day, I run from the regret of not protecting my brother more than I felt like I should of, I run from my insecurities, I run from the sound of a Coors Light opening and the emotional turmoil that can brought along with it. But most importantly are the things that I run towards. I run towards a happier, healthier me. I run towards my best friend Jordan standing at that imaginary finish line surrounding me with her constant love and support, I run towards my mom and brother where no matter what we have been through we have continued to hang onto our love and closeness, I run towards the new development of a relationship with my dad, I run towards my dreams of changing the world and breaking the cycle of poverty. I run towards the support and love of all my friends and family that have continued to reach out to me. I run for the relief after I'm done, like that of having a long personal conversation with a close friend. I run for me, it's my therapy, it's my escape. I hate it and I love it.
Sometimes I find myself running from things that I shouldn't, such as relationships. I don't like feelings and with as much as I've gone through in my life, it should be understandable why I have a guard up. I find myself getting close with someone, it's like running the bases in a game. I'm in the batter's box and with the crack of a bat I get a hit, things go smoothly I make it to first base with ease, talking everyday and starting to find things about that person that attracts you even more. Then I steal to second my heart pounding, you get that first date or first kiss something that makes you realize I might have something here. But then I find myself stuck leading off second base, do I want to risk the steal to third? But I never do, I get stuck in the hot box, diving back to second base and getting out.
So running has it's pros and cons. It's all about how you approach it. I'm a runner literally and figuratively, but I'm getting there day by day.