"Our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become."

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Halloween Corvallis Style...

Hello Sunday, for some it's the relaxing day before the next work week, for others it's recovery day to take care of the massive hangover from the night before. For me it's a relaxing day(except for the fact I have to work at 2:30..boo). I'm sitting in my old recliner watching the pouring rain outside my sliding glass door and listening to the sermon from my church back home.
Even though I'm not a religious person necessarily, I believe I am spiritual and am still in search of what I really believe. But listening to Pastor Rick preach gives me a sense of comfort and ease. It's nice to hear the voice of the kind hearted teddy bear of a man back home and to hear encouraging words. It's nice to hear the congregation chiming in and laughing. It's nice to hear familiar sounds of where I'm from.
Friday night I drove up to Independence and carved pumpkins with Jade and Liz. It was super fun and was great to get into the Halloween spirit, plus our pumpkins turned out super cute!

Last night Jasmine, Joey, Shelby, and I dressed up and went to Corvallis to check out the frats and the house parties, but unfortunately most of the frats were list only and we couldn't find the one to get into. The people who had house parties lined up for us ended up bailing or going to a frat. So in the end we came back to my apartment and just sat around and bs'ed, nothing to special. I was excited to get my first college Halloween experience, so it was kind of a let down. Oh well, there is always next year. At least we looked cute!

Next week is midterms, lucky me. So it's time to kick it into high gear and get my studying on. Till next time bloggers! Have a safe and Happy Halloween! :)

Thursday, October 18, 2012


Sometimes the most interesting part of my day is when I lay my head on my pillow at night and drift off...More often than not I drift off into a completely new world. I dream almost every night. When I'm sick I have bizarre dreams, sometimes terrifying dreams. But I am a firm believer in the fact that dreams have an underlying meaning. Back in the beginning of my senior year a friend of mine that was like a second mom to me was killed in a car accident. The weeks following I dreaded sleep because I knew my dreams would replay her in my mind. Sure enough, I had 3 different dreams of me discovering that she was still alive and one other that shook me to my core. I dreamt that I was at the accident with her, I couldn't hear anything, but my muffled screams. There was bright blue, red, and white flashing lights. I could see her lifeless body laying on the cold, hard pavement by a mangled car in the black of night. I tried to run to her, but I was constantly restrained by a paramedic. I screamed and sobbed while constantly saying, "You got to pull through this Trish, for your kids! For me! For everyone! Stay with me!" I will never forget that dream and it still plays through my mind like I just had it. It has been almost two years now and after I went through the initial grieving process, dreams of her faded off...to an extent. Sometimes I would dream of her, but in such a way that I feel like she was communicating with me. I sound crazy and reading this you may think I am, but I will firmly stand by that.
When I dream(depending on the dream) I usually do some research into it. I look for symbolic things, things that really stood out in my dream and what they could me. More often than not, the mean exactly what I am feeling or the symbol directly applies to my life at the moment.
So what brings me on this subject is I had a dream the other night that has been on my mind since. First I will tell you the dream, then tell you the significance of the person in my dream, and then analyze it from my research.

Dream: I dreamt that I was in a desert and standing near a small Toyota pick up truck. There was nothing around except this truck, sand for miles and miles, myself, and a close friend of mine. The wind was blowing hard and blowing the sand at us. But we weren't just standing there, I was clutching him, holding him tight as he sobbed into my chest. I was on the verge of tears myself. I held him and comforted him. I ran my fingers through his hair, the dream was so vivid that I could actually feel his hair and his body leaned into mine. I kept telling him that it was ok and even though it was directly stated I felt almost a sense of love. I never said that I loved him nor did he tell me, but I remember seeing the word. As his sobbing slowed, he looked up at me with that loving look, as if I had just saved him. Then he proceeded to kiss me, then as I laid back onto the ground we started to make out, but then he stopped hovered over me and bowed his head down almost upset again. It ended with that.

Story Behind the Person: I've been friends with this person for a long time. When I first met him, I guess you could say that I fell really hard for him. He never returned the same feelings though, I continued the friendship with him and moved on to the best of my ability because I knew we would never be. I still to this day consider him one of my close friends. By the time I left to move down to Albany I was content with where our friendship was at and how I felt about him. I thought I had finally moved on and I knew moving down here would make that easier on me too. Which it did and it actually improved our communication more. I guess I expected that our friendship would fizzle and that my feels would finally burn out, but I still haven't let go and this dream brought up all those old emotions.

Analysis: There were 7 main symbols for me in this dream: the sandy desert, the pick up, holding/clutching him, wind, stroking his hair, him sobbing, and the kiss.

Sandy desert: To dream that you are walking through a desert signifies loss and misfortune. You may be suffering from an attack on your reputation. Deserts are also symbolic of barrenness, loneliness and feelings of isolation and hopelessness. The desert landscape may also be a metaphor for feeling deserted and left behind. To see sand in your dream signifies a shift in perspective or a change in your attitude. Consider the familiar phrase, "the sands of time" in which it may be suggesting that you are wasting your time or letting time pass you by. 
I believe that the sandy desert applies to the situation because I have been feeling lonely lately and I always felt like I could turn to him when I was lonely or vice versa. I think the sand shows that I am wasting my time with my feelings towards him. Possibly with the two combined it could show I feel at a loss because I know he is moving on and that I am too.

The Pick Up: To see a pick-up truck in your dream represents hard work. You need to return to the basics. Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor for something that you need to "pick up".
I think the pick up symbolized me picking him up when he was down.

Holding: To dream that you are holding something suggests that you are trying to control or manipulate this object. Consider the significance and symbolism of this object. Holding may also signify protection, responsibility, or possession.
I think holding him in this sense signified the need I feel to protect him and responsibility for watching over him.

Wind: To dream that the wind is blowing through your hair signifies freedom to express uninhibited feelings. You are "letting your hair down".
I think this represents the new open communication we have developed and I don't feel like I need to hold back so much anymore.

Stroking his Hair: To dream that you are reaching for someones hair suggests that you are trying to connect with that person on a spiritual or intellectual level. It also refers to sympathy, protectiveness, and fraternal love.
I think this is pretty self explanatory. I've been trying to reach this person on a spiritual and intellectual level for a long time. Same with the protectiveness.

Sobbing: To see someone else crying in your dream may be a projection of your own feelings onto someone else. If you do not cry in your waking life, then seeing someone else cry may be a little easier to deal with then seeing yourself cry.
To be honest I'm not really sure about this one. I haven't had the desire or need to cry about this situation or anything about my life at all, so I'm not really sure.

Kiss: To dream of a kiss denotes love, affection, tranquility, harmony, and contentment. If you are kissing a close friend, then it represents your respect and adoration for your friend. You are seeking some intimate closeness that is lacking in some waking relationship. It may or may not signify a romantic interest for him or her. To dream that you are making out with someone suggests that you have an subconscious desire to pursue a relationship, but fear that it will jeopardize the friendship.
Once again, self explanatory.

It's just funny how accurate these tend to turn out. Hopefully this analysis will tame my emotions a little bit. All my dream analysis definitions come from www.dreammoods.com and under the dream dictionary. I do this for all my dreams and very rarely is it ever wrong. Try it out sometime! And no this isn't a product placement and no I am not getting paid to say this unfortunately! ;) And if any of my guy friends happen to read this, don't assume it's about you because I can pretty much guarantee it's not! Haha silly boys...;)

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Welcome Fall 2012...

It's official! At least in my book, fall has hit! I walked out my sliding glass door this morning to a crisp chill and fog. I've made plans with Liz and Jade to carve pumpkins soon, which will be so fun! Then before we know it Halloween will be here.
The one fall holiday I really can't wait for is Thanksgiving though. Main reason being that I can go home and finally see my family. I am pretty homesick still. It didn't really hit me until last night when I was browsing through Facebook and saw a picture of my friend's pick-up parked at the 76 station on Southgate and it made me realize how much I miss driving up Southgate and being able to look over and honk if he was there or see if Hannah was working at Starbucks, or if Kate and Jordan were at Subway. I miss driving down Main and the backroads. Oh how I miss the backroads. I miss my mom and I's obnoxious adventures in the car or her and I making my brother uncomfortable with our random conversations. I miss yelling at people on Main. I miss my awkward run in's with the guy I always jokingly swore I was going to marry. I miss being able to sit in Papa Murphy's and bs with the girls until Chey got off. I've been in a mood recently where normally to overcome it I would retreat to the backroads with my country music and just let my mind wander. But unfortunately I don't have that luxury here.
But Albany has definitely been a positive experience for me. Last weekend I went up to Independence and hung out with Jade and Liz which is always a good time. School is going good. I wish I had more time to study and such, but I have been working 35 to 40 hour weeks, which I'm kind of complaining, but kind of not because I'm addicted to the money. It's just a little overwhelming.
Well I should be doing math homework, but I just can't seem to get myself motivated enough to catch up and finding the time has been  a struggle too. Until next time bloggers...

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Before you go and turn me on, be sure that you can turn me loose...

What better way to kick off October than to get deep on you bloggers? I have two things I want to talk about today, one being my hometown and the other being love. Two completely different things that kind of tie together.
The past couple of days I have been feeling homesick. Not miserable homesick, but I am definitely missing not only my family and friends, but just Pendleton in general. You don't really realize how much you love Pendleton until you leave. The simplicity of the town, the miles and miles of back roads. It will always be where my heart is. I thought that maybe when I left I would be able to say, "Wow there is so much more that is better than Pendleton out there!" and there is...to a point. Sometimes, especially on days like today I wonder if I should've stayed and finished at BMCC. Which the answer is always no, absolutely not. I can honestly say I haven't been as happy as I am in a long time. But it doesn't have to do with where I am located. The fact that I am on my own and taking care of myself, finding myself, is what is making me as happy as I am. Leaving Pendleton has helped me step out of the shadows of my family members and friends. It has allowed me to be able to come back to town and say "Hey, this is what I am doing with my life and the opportunities that have presented themselves to me after my hard work and perseverance." And that alone, makes me prouder than anything. I don't know if my life will lead me back to Pendleton and if it may then good, but it will be after I am done with everything I want to accomplish with my life and when I am ready to settle down. When I think about what I still want to do with my life before I get married or have kids, it gets me excited.
My Before-I-Have-Kids-To-Do-List
1.) Graduate with my Master's in Social Work
2.) Study Abroad
3.) Fall in Love
4.) Get married after the age of 25
5.) Build a house out in the country
6.) Have a stable job before I get married
7.) Buy myself a car after I graduate
8.) Be married for at least 2 years before having kids
9.) Do everything I can possibly do before being strapped down with kids.
I believe that you have all your life to be with your spouse, so there shouldn't be any reason to rush into marriage or having kids. I want to live and see the world. I want to accomplish anything and everything that I possibly can before I want to be responsible for someone else. I'm not going to lie though, it gets lonely sometimes. As focused as I am on myself right now, sometimes I would really like to focus on someone else. Have someone to go do things with or just to make happy. The idea of falling in love is great, but sometimes I wonder if I will ever experience it? My hope is yes, but I'm not holding my breath. I would love to be able to let someone into my world, take them out on the back roads to my get away places, sneak into the country club at night and go swimming. Someone to be myself around and to know that's why they love me. The security and warmth. It's an absolutely marvelous thing that I wish I could say that I have ever experienced, but unfortunately I haven't. For the time being I'm just up for having fun, being young, and enjoying myself.