Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Let's be honest here. No matter who you are, what you have going for you, you cannot always hold it together. This past few days I have felt so out of control with my life, when in reality I'm not, it's just that I strive for perfection so much that sometimes I overwhelm myself. I received a letter from my Ford Family Foundation director yesterday and out of my frustration I just threw it on my desk and said screw it I'll read it later. After my peak of my little mid term melt down this morning, I was able to regroup myself and find the positivity I always try and carry inside me. I cleaned my dorm room and organized myself, while doing this I picked up the letter off my desk and read it. These encouraging letters always seem to come at the right time. She talked about how she always strived for perfection because that was what got her recognition, but during her senior year of college she realized what she was doing all along wasn't what she wanted to do at all. I never thought I was one to work for recognition, although it is nice, but as I was reading through her letter I started relating it to my life. I came to the conclusion that my frustration I had just been dealing with wasn't because of how I felt about myself, it was because of how I felt others expected of me. College is hard, I'm not going to lie. I felt the pressure from others in my family to get straight A's and travel abroad and find someone at college and marry them because they will have money, I think I just finally snapped inside. Those expectations aren't what I want with my life. I want to get done with my bachelor's degree and start working while getting my master's, I don't want to marry for money, but for love and not for a long time, I'm not sure that I even want to travel abroad, I don't get 4.0's, I'm happy to slide by with my 3.0, I don't want to leave Eastern Oregon, I want to get a good job, get a house out in the country and then maybe settle down. That is simply just how my life is, does that make me a failure or selfish? No, it's not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself and to make your happiness a priority. It makes me a happy, successful person because I don't go through life trying to get recognition, I go through life trying to use my life to inspire others. As a first generation college student, I feel a lot of pressure and expectations put on my shoulders, but thankfully the Ford Foundation always knows how to pick my up and remind me who I am and what I am working for.