"Our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become."

Monday, April 15, 2013

Finding your faith

Growing up some of my best memories are getting up on Saturday mornings, not for cartoons, but to get dressed up in my pretty dresses and go to Sabbath school with my cousins and grandparents. Grandpa was known as the "tic tac man" for passing out all his tic tacs to the kids in class and would sit behind us during story time and Grandma would help us during craft time. We then went back to their house and had a wonderful dinner and played. We learned about Jesus and God, the basics ya know?

You see my mom grew up with an atheist mother and I couldn't quite tell ya what my grandpa believes. But my mom somehow came out believing in God, but never attended church. So my grandparents were the ones to take us. As we got older though the other cousins lost interest and we just didn't go. But then in middle school I met a family who started taking me to youth group at their church which I now call my home church, The First Church of God. When I could finally drive I began driving myself every Sunday. Around the same time I started going to FCOG I also became best friends with Jordan. Jordan has always been full of faith, never failing, something I always wish I had. As I got older though I had to get a job which took away from the time I spent at church. Then when I was seventeen, Tricia died. Oh how mad I was. With a weakened faith as it was, this just pushed me away. How could you do this to me God? Why did you take her from me? Why did you take her from her babies? They need her! Jace is only 4 months old. I sat out on the back roads and sobbed. I just wanted to hold her and get out of this joke. What had I done God for you to take her from me? Her kids are my kids too. You didn't just take her from me, you took my babies away too! You split us up.

 Trish died on November 28th of 2010. I had people from my church come into my work and ask me where I had been and why I hadn't been coming. I used the same excuse most of the time that I had to work. Except for one woman named Teri who I just couldn't seem to lie to. She knew what was going on in my life to an extent and she told me everytime she came in "Don't run from Him, I'm praying for you." At the end of March of 2011 I went to Boise to visit my Uncle and Aunt, as well as my sweet baby boy Jace who I hadn't seen since Tricia's death. They told me that they wanted me to go to church with them, which was fine. It's whatever I thought to myself, I'll just go, doesn't mean I have to buy this crap. On the way there my aunt turned to me and said, "How long has it been since you've been to church?" I told her I hadn't been since Trish died. She asked me why, but I couldn't really answer her, then she said "You're angry?". As we sat there the pastor began to preach and I couldn't tell you what he was talking about, but I began to sob with no idea why. I returned to church and began working as a nursery attendant for them as well. It filled a void of me missing my babies by taking care of someone else's. It also made me feel like I was practicing my faith, but I wasn't. I was just going through the motions. Life moved on, I stopped working for the church after a while, would come every now and again, but I think deep down I was still angry.

It wasn't until I moved down here to Albany that I started actively going to church again. But it's different this time, I don't feel angry anymore. I'm not saying that I'm a perfect christian now by any means. I have a long way to go and a lot to still learn, but at least now I can say without a doubt, that I believe in God and I believe he has a plan for me.

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